you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I just gargled with NyQuil
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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