my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Randomize
