The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Randomize