Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
