I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Randomize
