The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
