I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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