I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
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