My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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