he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
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