Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
