Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Randomize
