Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
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