I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Ladies don't puke and tell
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Randomize
