I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
i think i have herpe
just one?
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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