someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
