Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Randomize
