Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
