I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
And then he peed in my hair
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
