Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
