he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
