so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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