Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
