I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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