come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
