My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
