By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Randomize
