Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize
