a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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