My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
