My sheets look like a crime scene.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
