i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
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