Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
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