I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
