alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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