just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
