some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Randomize
