i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
