Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
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