I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
