i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
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