So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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