i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
