listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
