Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Randomize
