I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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