theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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