thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
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