i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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