meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
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