"it" just moved
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
