fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
