hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
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