i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
