At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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