it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Randomize
