Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Randomize
