and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
