Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I wish there were birth control emojis
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize