remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
operation have a gay friend backfired
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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